Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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