uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
