didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sext me about skeletons
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
