My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just google imaged poop.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize