did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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