the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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