Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
