You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
