youre lurking in front of me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
