I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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