Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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