I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
