And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
