You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
