Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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