Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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