I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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