paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
