My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
