Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
A bitchslap is in order.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize