if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
