She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize