You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's Friday. Sex?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
