The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
