The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
