No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
