so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
