Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You left your phone here
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