Pregnant stripper...not hot.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
