My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Send help, water and tortillas.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
