I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
