I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
