I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
