I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
