my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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