I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am naked and annoyed.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
