You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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