he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm too high and old for this...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
