yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
