i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
not ubering you a puppy
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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