Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
