Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
