Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
