When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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