i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
