if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
