So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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