tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
MIDGETS
????
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm having to shit out rocks
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize