I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
