so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
