I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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