If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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