im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
