Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
