so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
