I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize