apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
