It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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